The Most Important Conversation

Self-care. Self-love. Me time.

These are all buzz words and while they are each significant and necessary, there is a further conversation that needs to be addressed. This conversation fuels our ability to have meaningful self-care time, to love ourselves wholeheartedly, and to engage guilt-free in me time.

This is the conversation that we have with ourselves all day long. More importantly, it is the way we talk to ourselves. It’s called self-talk.

How we talk to ourselves impacts how we care for ourselves. Speaking to ourselves with grace, understanding, love and kindness, empowers us to be who we were wholly created to be - without the messy resentment, doubt or feelings of obligation. The words we tell ourselves become how we think about ourselves, act and view ourselves and our place in this world.

Feeling small? Feeling like you don’t belong? Feeling like you’re not good enough?

Trust me, I’ve been there. Pain from our past, hurts from those who meant a lot to us, unresolved failures and grief, to name a few sources contribute to these self-talk thoughts and feelings.

What would it look like if you changed the dialogue?

Let me share what that could look like. After having my second baby in late 2020, I’m recently getting back into moving my body. A body that has carried me through my best days, my hardest days and everywhere in between. A body that has carried my two beautiful babies that I hold in my arms as well as a body that has carried my babies that were lost in pregnancy. My body tells the story of resilience and continual healing - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I was on my elliptical and letting my mind go free from the endless to-do lists and tasks of the day to focus on the present moment when I began to think unkind thoughts toward this very same body that only months ago, I praised for being able to hold and deliver my baby into the world.

“You should have started this earlier.” “This would be easier if you would have been eating better.” “How could you let yourself just go like this.”

Let’s explore that a minute. If you worked for a boss that talked to you with words so cutting, shaming and demeaning, would you work harder or would you do the bare minimum, feeling unmotivated to excel? Working an entire day, day after day, in that environment would probably trickle into relationships, hobbies, and over time, every aspect of your life. It would produce exhaustion, a lack of enjoyment in life because there was this underlying thought or feeling that you don’t deserve whatever you’re engaging in, because the words playing on the nonstop track in your mind tell the lie that you don’t matter and let’s be honest, it would give rather convincing arguments to support it.

The thing is, it’s a lie. Those nasty supporting arguments are all lies.

Could I have eaten better? Sure. Could I have started earlier? Probably. Is shaming myself into doing it or

helpful? Not at all. It won’t produce long lasting change and it will make the whole experience miserable.

So how do we change the dialogue?

On the elliptical, I had to rewrite the script playing in my mind. Oftentimes, especially at first, this can feel a little awkward. Trust the process.

I decided to tell myself the truth.

The truth was (and still is) that I am strong. I affirmed the choice to move my body. I focused on the ways my body has carried me through the years. I gave myself grace and understanding, focusing on how previously I was living with sleep deprivation that comes with a new baby/being in survival mode as I worked to find a new rhythm as a family of four. I thought about how I prioritized the healing that comes with labor and delivery. I praised myself for starting because a lot of times, that is one of the hardest parts to any process or journey.

And guess what?

I began to feel lighter. I took deeper breaths because all the tension and shame of the moment dissipated. I moved better and even a little faster. All of this is great but what stands out as the most meaningful part to me is that when I stepped off the elliptical, I felt like I had the energy and willingness to be the mom and wife I am when I feel refreshed and renewed, rather than running on reserves. I felt empowered. I felt filled up and loved.

Let’s go back to that boss scenario. What if you worked for a boss that genuinely spoke to you with words like, “I see you.” “You took that step and I’m proud of you.” “I appreciate the way you…” “You did it.” I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you would feel more satisfied with your work. You may even feel motivated to take some risks because it’s safe to fail or make a mistake. That satisfaction and motivation will trickle into other areas of life as well.

What happens if you can’t think of the truth or how to speak kindly to yourself?

When it comes to encouraging words, sometimes it is easier to say them to someone else than it is to ourselves. When words aren’t coming naturally, imagine what you would say to your best friend, a child or someone you care deeply about. What would you say to them? How would you respond to their pain? Extending that grace and understanding, kindness, and love to others is what we need to extend to ourselves. Just imagine what life would look like if we did.

Relationships. Goals. Dreams. All influenced by this genuine and authentic sense, rooted in the truth that you are enough and you belong.

Would life look differently? If so, there’s probably some good work to do. Come on 2021, let’s have that conversation and change the dialogue from shame and doubt to love and confidence.